Victim Resource Center of the Finger Lakes, Inc.
Beginning in September of 2008, survivor's
began sharing their stories
with our community.
thanks to these individuals and families for
sharing this painful journey.
They have agreed to do so in the hope of helping
I became so fearful of my husband. I did not know where to turn. I had a beloved friend who took me to the VRC, and I am so happy now, moving forward with my life. My God spoke with me and told me to write something about each VRC staff person. He guided my words about each person. I asked the VRC to add this as my story, because I believe that if victims read these special descriptions of the staff they may be more willing to reach out for help.
VRC Staff 1 - Flower
Wherever you are your character blooms.
Even if people will step on you or pick you up from where you are planted, you’ll still grow.
You’ll naturally grow.
God created you according to His image and likeness.
Like a flower God created a flower to bloom where it is planted.
You will bloom where you are planted.
You are made to flourish.
You are one of a kind.
You are appreciated more than you could ever know.
God’s word: Psalm 37:23-24
“The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though (s)he may stumble, (s)he will not fall for the Lord upholds her with His hand.”
VRC Staff 2 -Butterfly
You added colors to the lives of other people.
You are not only beautiful on the outside but also inside.
You gave life to every flower you visit.
God made you to paint colors to the lives of the lifeless and those who has lived in a black and white kind of life.
You painted a life filled with so much colors of happiness.
You are capable.
You are caring.
You are creative.
You are charismatic.
God’s word: Psalm 37:3-4
“Trust in the Lord and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
VRC Staff 3 – Book
You added great chapters in each person’s book of life.
God has used you to add more interesting pages in their book.
You don’t only add what’s best in their life story but you also incorporate God as the Creator and you as the publisher.
What a person can’t understand you explain according to God’s word.
Every big change starts with a small step.
You are somebody’s hero.
God’s word: Proverbs 3:3-4
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.”
VRC Staff 4 – Sun
Sun: is strikingly admirable just like you.
Your character is fine and so rich.
You always show to people that there’s always sunshine after the rain.
After the torrential rain I had in my life, God used you to give me sunshine.
Too much sunshine can cause illness but that’s untrue because if it did I should’ve been dead now and living in the dark.
God made you the sunshine in His eyes so that you can give light to the lives of other people.
You make a positive difference in the lives of many, many people.
God’s word: 1 Corinthians 2:9
“What no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love Him.”
VRC Staff 5 - Dream Catcher
You made nightmare into a good reality and aspiration.
You are giving a survivor a bigger picture of hope and faith after a bad dream.
You inspire people to take heart and believe that something good will happen.
You have helped people change their perspective of fear into faith; from a nightmare into sweet dreams; made by choice.
You know what you are doing.
You are a rare, wonderful person.
God’s word: Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with My righteous Hand.”
VRC Staff 6 – Heart Balloon
In everything you do there’s compassion. Your jar of compassion is never empty because God’s grace in your life is brand new every day, and you share that compassion and grace to other people.
Your heart as the balloon is holding a bunch of other balloons and you are very careful, caring and fragile in taking care of it, just like how you take good care of the people around you.
A balloon may pop anytime but you have a spare, not only plastic but rubber and inflatable balloons.
You have a lot of things to offer just like each balloon that has its own special gift to offer.
You are the balloon and God is your source of oxygen.
You are so important in the lives of many people.
You are the best and most important friend you’ll ever have.
God’s word: Isaiah 40:6-8
“All people are like grass and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and the flowers fall but the Word of our God endures forever.”
Thank you all for your kindness and I encourage others to reach out to the VRC or to an agency similar to the VRC in your community.
They help you and also focus on empowerment - for you to take care of yourself and your children. Empowerment is very important. It is a gift we give to ourselves, our children, our family, and our world. I will never have my power taken from me again...by anyone! I will not live in fear, but in the hopes of promise and a bright future.
A survivor of a rape who identified her rapist five years after the rape from seeing a picture of him in the media. She went immediately to the police and met with local officials. The statute of limitations had changed and the perpetrator could be prosecuted. The perpetrator was diagnosed with some mental health issues, and due to this, and the perpetrator stating he did "not remember" the case has been closed. When the VRC notified her that the case was now closed, she wanted her response to this added to "My Story." We have respected her wishes and her response is below.
Had I not gone for that walk, this would never have happened. (At not least to me anyhow). This perp. is a creep and a violent one at that. He WILL strike again. He is smart enough to outsmart the system but not smart enough to remain out of trouble. He will strike again! I had no clue who he was prior to this event nor did I know who he was after this event. He is a monster and he plays it well. He is the definition of what Evil truly is. As far as I am concerned…So What that he is denying this matter, most inmates do deny and fail to admit their own actions. Yes, he sure does have a mental issue or he wouldn't have done what he has done, but a lot of people who have mental disorders do not rape!!! So what if he does drugs- I myself was under the influence of prescription meds, but I committed no crime. The only regrets I have is going for that night walk, taking more of my medication. I was my own worst enemy until this creep spotted me that evening. I cried and I made clear what had happened. I was honest of my own error. In fact I was honest throughout this whole ordeal. I confided in the very people who claimed that they cared, I waited and was certain something was being done while I sought help. The hospital had never turned over the rape kit. I had requested they do so, and the documentation of my request was in the hospital records. The evidence was never processed. What a Joke that turned out to be! Nobody cared, nobody even helped me get through this until I realized and learned of his exact Identity. People who truly care don't turn their cheek on someone who is relying on them. I can see now why most victims won’t come forward, it is clear to me that the system is weaker than the crime. I am sick of this whole mess, sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth crying for help. If no help or justice can be fulfilled then what is the reason for anyone to ask, speak up or even seek help? It doesn't make sense, not just for me but for any future or past victims that are hurting.
Yes, I am Thankful I contacted the VRC years later. Yes I am Thankful that I received counseling and advocacy to go to the police and DA. But please know crimes like this are forever going to continue unless ALL people who have the authority to do something about such situations can pull together and prove that this behavior is not acceptable. It breaks heart that the law can back out of a situation, move on to another case in the blink of an eye…leaving the victim to feel as if what had happened just wasn't worth the effort.
I can go on and on, but there is no point. I wish I can say I will get over it, but I know I will not. Life does go on and one foot in front of the other is what I will do.”
Poem by Sexual Assault Survivor
"To the man who raped me,
I have no hate.
I stitched my pain to shooting stars
sent them flying crossed the sky
and wished upon them.
How can I hate something that gives me hope?
I hope that you were dissatisfied
that you never think of pressing your lips to bare skin
I hope you regret it.
That you have night terrors of your mistake
more than I do of mine.
But then I hope
none of these things.
I just hope I’d forget.
To the man that pressed himself inside me,
I forgive you.
I’m not saying it’s easy.
Every day I cast bait and fish hooks down my throat
to catch the very words
hidden in the deepest trenches of myself
some days I come back empty handed.
Some days the hook gets entangled with my
I pull out the bones…
they are still trembling.
They often want to dry out
I am forced to snap them back in place
to pretend that I still stand up straight
even when my soul is shattered.
Shards now create this internal
who no longer recognizes
its own features.
To the man that I see when I close my eyes
I don’t want to.
I drill push pins in my tongue
trying to stop myself from
tasting your name
it’s stronger than vinegar
heavier than gasoline soaked
I choke on the memories.
To the man I’ll never forget,
You have stolen everything
But I won’t let you take
this time you have no choice.
I outlined my shadow
carried it as a backpack
and became accustom to the dark.
Your overcast unlit portrait
scares me no more.
To the man that I pray for
You’re lucky you scraped me off the sidewalk
My footprints still remain
still pressed into concrete
devoted to Jesus.
To the man who strengthened my faith in God
I am waiting to wake up from this dream
of stars, and seas, and shame.
I am not your victim.
I am more so than ever God’s precious daughter
And so to the man who raped me
…thank you…I am a survivor!"
Poem by Sexual Assault Survivor
''Momma Can You See Me!''
Momma, Can you see me tonight.
sitting beneath the Main street light....
Please momma as I sit here alone
trying to rid pain from hurting my soul.
I sit quietly and confused, just hoping to die.
Longing for peace, from this head of mine.
The skull is throbbing, it just won't quit.
My body's limber from the meds I took.
When out from the darkness, there he stood.
taunting and tormenting every way he could.
I had enough momma, I had to get away.
All I wanted was relief that day.
Evil was lurking and I was his prey.
Please momma, come help me- make him go away.
My body is mellow, I'm afraid for dear life.
I stood up to leave but he grabbed me real tight.
He hurt me momma, I'm crying in pain.
I can't believe this is happening- I cant get away.
My body's collapsing, my voice can't be heard
My silent screams, are doing no good.
He has a tight hold of me, he's determined I stay.
He proceeds to assault me in a nearby alley way.
Stay with me momma, don't leave my side.
This vulture is nasty, he's stripping my pride.
My vision is blurry, sounds appear muffled,
My head hurting, is now the least of my troubles.
He's in control, and I can't fight back.
The effects of the meds, are leaving me slack.
He's hurting me momma, can't you see.
He's pressing his body right into me.
I feel so helpless, I'm such a disgrace.
Please make it go fast, get me out of this place.
He does what he wants, and gets what he takes.
I fall to the ground, I can feel myself shake.
My mind is exhausted.
My body so sore.
He orders me up, or I'll get it some more.
I rise to my feet, but I can't barely stand.
He's leaving me helpless, crying and sad.
He's gone now momma, he's leaving me be..
He's left me for dead, near some old bush tree.
I want to lay here and just wither away.
In hopes someone will find me the very next day.
My actions were careless.
I carry the blame.
I feel so filthy.
I feel so ashamed
Momma can you see me, I am here tonight.
I'm crying in pain beneath these Main street lights.
Update Case 0205c
Ten years...it seems like a long time and in the next breath it seems like a blink of an eye. Sitting here reflecting on how my life was changed in a matter of minutes on that cold snowy night in 2005 it's hard to believe that it's been that long, hard to believe 18 surgeries and one more to go. I wish I would have listened to that little voice inside my heart that said ... this just doesn't feel right. You see that voice doesn't lie.
I think the one of the biggest things we should teach our daughters and ourselves though is that God doesn't make any junk. That we are all precious gifts and children of God and NO ONE deserves to be maltreated in any way shape or form.
Gratitude is how I feel since that night 10 years ago...I am alive thanks to God and a wonderful young man, my stepson. I have lived to tell my story where as so many don't speak up because they are terrified or dead.
"I guess I should start at the
beginning. I had just lost my grandma, and two other close relatives
all within a two week period. I felt I was dead too, only they didn't
bury me. Even under normal circumstances I was very trusting and
naive about life outside my home. My children or as I call them, my
'loves,' kept me going with everyday duties including babysitting.
That is when my current husband, and worst mistake of my life
happened. I got married and had many years of pain, humiliation, and
degradation. I was raped, strangled until I almost passed out,
pounded on, and threatened with a gun and with knives. In order to
"keep me in line" he would threaten to kill my animals and
family. Every aspect of my life was controlled by my
husband: telling me what to say, do, how to act, what I could wear,
who I could/could not talk to, and even what food to eat. He wanted me
fat so no one else would want me. It had to be total domination or
else I would pay the consequences. He threatened to kill or hurt my
family on a regular basis.
I had to ask for every cent. My doctor
gave me the number of the Victim Resource Center when she noticed bruises all
over my stomach. That's when I finally told someone my
story. It was one of the hardest, but the best things that ever
happened to me other than having my babies. My new friends at the VRC
helped me in so many ways, especially in giving me the courage to trust them
and talk to them, and open up my heart. I thought I was lost and my
life was useless and there was no way out, NO future! They helped me
escape from my prison and regain my life. I'm still afraid of saying
or doing the wrong thing. You can't wipe away 25 years of abuse
overnight. The VRC made me feel like whatever happens they are there
to help me any way or any time. They have given me wonderful gifts of
love, faith, and I can now trust again. Less than a year ago I would
have never imagined I would be financially responsible, living in my own place,
have my health in order after all these years, and almost finished with my
divorce. Thank you all and God Bless you and yours. My
pearl of wisdom: ALWAYS try to find some good in the worst situation, or a cup
is half-full instead of half-empty; and never, ever lose faith in
God. A very grateful victim, now survivor, thanks to the
"When we hear the words 'Domestic
Violence' we usually think of a man beating on his wife and kids. In
my case it was the exact opposite...it was my wife emotionally abusing me to
the point of panic and anxiety attacks. I had no where to turn as I
am a home-bound disabled veteran. Since there was no physical abuse,
I thought I had no options. My medications were increased as were my
doctor visits. Still there was no help in sight. Finally a
friend of mine told me about the VRC. Once again, thinking women
only, I hesitated before contacting them. Once I did, I was a member
of their family. They took care of me as though I was one of their own.
The emotional turn-around due to the VRC was better than any
medication. They handled my order of protection and emotional issues
with the greatest of care and sensitivity. My experience with the VRC
was a life saver. I am now on my way to a much speedier recovery
thanks to the wonderful ladies at the VRC. I can't say enough about
them. The most important thing I came away with was: There are people
who care and know these situations. Let the professionals handle
it. If you know of anyone in emotional or physical harm, have them
contact the VRC. God bless you ladies and stay well, pleasant dreams
"For over four years my two boys and
I lived with an abuser. He put us down, isolated and manipulated
us. Where the kids were concerned, my oldest son bore the brunt of
the abuse. My abuser would tell me, 'He needs to toughen up; he's a
boy, that's how you discipline them.' I believed everything he said,
and did everything he wanted. My sons and I lived on the edge.
Actions that were acceptable one day weren't the next. We moved every
three months because he never paid the bills. I wasn't allowed to
work - God forbid he lose an ounce of control over me! His money went
to whatever he wanted, like alcohol and drugs.
We moved to the middle of
nowhere. That's where the physical abuse got worse and became
constant. Many mornings I was awakened by a punch or being
screamed at because of some misdeed I supposedly committed. I had
concussions, bruises and my nose was broken. I did what he wanted,
when he wanted. I scrubbed 'his' house top to bottom every
day. You could have eaten off the floors. I was dead
inside, a zombie, I felt nothing. One morning after a night of his
continual screaming and repeated punches to my head, I decided I
HAD TO LEAVE. I was determined that my boys and I were
leaving that very day or else I would end up dead. If necessary, we
would pitch a tent in the woods nearby. I promised my eldest when he
got home from school that we would leave. My words fell on deaf ears,
he had heard it too many times; the times we did leave, we always went
We DID leave that day and haven't been
back in almost 12 months. Neither leaving nor the
past 12 months have been easy, exactly the opposite, they've been hard
at times, very hard. Overall though, very rewarding and
wonderful. We spent two months at the VRC shelter. The
people there are a Godsend! I would tell anyone who would listen -
it's because of the VRC staff that I became a strong, independent person, but
now I know it's because of me. I now know that I haven't returned
because I am strong, because of ME! I make all my decisions now; the
staff at the VRC showed me I could; they supported my decisions.
Everyone there had my tears on their shoulders at one point in time, but no one
ever told me what to do, only that I had options; showed me them and walked
For years I heard I was nothing and would
never be able to get a job, raise my boys, and that no man would want me, no
one would like me the way I was. Well guess what? I've
proved all that to be untrue! I have a wonderful job, my boys and I
have a beautiful HOME, I have great friends, men have asked me on dates, and
lots of people like me just for me. It's not always great; some days
I get scared, stressed, or just plain tired. The knowledge that
I have control over my life makes it all worth it!
Life is tough; by taking back control, wonderful things do
happen. My children and I are so happy and free. My
advice to women still being abused - TAKE BACK
CONTROL!!! If you can survive domestic violence, you
can survive anything. Going from a 'victim of domestic violence' to a
'survivor of domestic violence' gives you a feeling inside that is
indescribable; it's being free again."
"My husband was a great husband up until a few years
ago. He then began threatening to shoot me and my children.
Because they were teenagers, we fought back but he broke my ribs, hurt my back,
giving me a black eye and other inflictions. He found us near a
shelter in another county. My children wanted to
see their daddy, and I went back. I tried to make our marriage work -
we were married for over 20 years. I started working to help support
the family. He would give me a little money to purchase all the
groceries, medicine, clothing for the kids, car repairs, gas for work - all
which was impossible to do on such a small amount of money. He began
making false accusations about me, and told me that he was going to teach me a
lesson on how a real wife behaves. He broke my arm, and I was bruised
and cut. After this, I decided to leave. I left with
nothing, but I was not taking it anymore. He would stalk me at work
and wherever I went. He would cancel my car insurance, take my plates
off the car, all to control me. When I finally left, I just started
driving. I ended up in Wayne County. I had a domestic
violence card in my purse from 1995. I called the number and they
gave me the number of the VRC hotline. I called the VRC and they have
been my 'backbone' since. I would not have made it without
them. The shelter advocate is strong-willed and outspoken, but with a
good heart. I thank God and the VRC every day. I love where
I am right now. I know I can be stronger and do this on my
own. The VRC saved my life! At night when I go to bed, I
think, 'Am I doing the right thing?' and then I look at pictures of my children
and grandchildren, then I know I did the best thing I ever could by
leaving. My pearl of wisdom is reach out to the VRC, you can get away
and be free from threats, hurt, pain, and be strong. If I could do
this after 20 years, so can you!"
"When I was a child, my brother started 'pressing
against me' sexually. I was just a kid. I was so
confused I thought I must me gay if my brother is doing this to
me. Not long after it started my parents divorced and we were in
separate households. He lived with another family member and I lived
with my mom. He continued to molest me while on visits. I
told my mom and she didn't believe me until she caught my brother having sex
with me. She called the authorities and they didn’t really do
anything, but told my mom we could not live in the same house. I hated
him and he continued to make my life hell. His friends called me
names. I felt so alone. My mom was my best friend. I
thought it was her job to protect me. I figured it was my fault if I
reached out for help and nothing was done. Now I know that telling
just once may not be the answer and that kids today have to keep telling until someone
LISTENS. I’ve worked on my bruised feelings and confusion about my
I started having troubles in school as I got older
with dating relationships, etc. I could not focus on my academic
calendar, only my personal life. My mom found the number to the Victim
Resource Center because she knew I had unresolved issues from the abuse, and
now as a teen, was having trouble. I met with the Sexual Assault and
Youth Counselor who reinforced for me that the abuse was not my
fault. I learned that I am no longer a victim but a
survivor and that I have CONTROL over that, no one
else does. My brother took my control away and I have it back
now. I have learned that just because my abuse was in a same sex
manner, does not mean that I am gay. My brother had no right to take
advantage and hurt me the way he did. I’ve learned that wishing that
he was dead is not the answer because that anger hurts only me. My
abuse no longer defines me and encompasses every moment of my life like it used
to. I’ve learned I’m a good friend, enjoy listening to music, and just
plain talented. As far as my brother goes now, I feel sorry for him
and no longer look for some sort of revenge. I’m special. I
deserve respect. I am a survivor."
"I had been out drinking with some friends after
work. I had seen the kind of freaky person from my building
complex. I didn’t think much of it. I had seen him in passing
when I went to my apartment, but he showed up at the local bar. He sat
at the bar while the girls and I were dishing out the week’s drama. I
had to use the Ladies Room so I took my drink with me because I knew my
girlfriends would be busy dancing and not pay attention to it. I had
learned in college to keep my drink covered or take it with me. I
didn’t realize it at first but he had followed me into the
bathroom. When I came out of the stall he was standing
there. I screamed at him, 'What are you doing in here?' He
stated, 'Oh, sorry.' I had left my drink on the sink in the
bathroom. Not thinking, I went back to the table and started to eat
dinner with my friends and finish my drink.
About halfway through dinner I felt really weird and
thought I was going to be sick so I decided to go home. I told my
friends to stay and have a good time despite them insisting on walking me
home. I remembered putting my key in the apartment door and a man
being behind me. I woke up the next morning and my clothes were ripped
and my private area hurt. I remembered having this feeling of
weightlessness and sitting in the bathroom but could not remember anything
else. My friend came over the next day and asked me if I was okay
because she saw scratches on my back and my clothes were ripped. I
told her what I could remember. She stated that I needed to go to the
hospital and get checked out. She told me she didn’t think anything of
it at the time but that man from our complex had left about 5 minutes after I
I went to the emergency room where they were very
concerned about the gaps in my memory and they were worried that I had
been sexually assaulted. The hospital did a urinalysis and I tested
positive for date rape drugs. Oh my God! What happened? That
weightlessness I felt must have been someone carrying me. I now
remember seeing the reflection of this man’s face in the hallway mirror at my
apartment that night. The nurse at the hospital gave me the number to
the Victim Resource Center where I was able to obtain counseling, court
advocacy, and the feeling of knowing I wasn’t crazy or alone. That
meant all the difference in the world to me, and certainly helped me in my
healing. Always protect yourself and reach out to the VRC if you need
help, they will provide counseling and support. They will be beside
you in all the steps to healing."
"I came to the VRC after fleeing a domestic
violence situation with my husband. While he had just gone to jail,
his family began threatening to harm me and found out the location of my new
home. I was not allowed to work, and there was ongoing verbal and
physical violence. We had three beautiful children. They
love their father but feared him.
neighbor told me about the Victim Resource Center. They had helped
her. From the moment I spoke with a counselor at the VRC I
felt as if there was help, and to this day, they continue to help
me. My children and I are now safe. I have my
self-respect. They helped me legally with securing custody and an
order of protection, and provided emergency shelter for our family
twice. My children love going to their office, they act like it is
their second home. They play and climb the stairs and run into
everyone's office to say hello. I have my own home now, nice things,
a job and a LIFE! I look forward to a good life. The VRC is
an outstanding group of caring and understanding women who are willing to hear
your story, help you stand tall, and be by your side. Thank you to
the VRC for being by my family's side!"
was raised in a Christian home. I was saved more out of fear, but my
commitment was real. I tried to please God and my family as I
grew. My mom made God real to me and part of my life. My
dad made me feel comfortable with being human and making mistakes. My
dad had some mental health issues and was hospitalized a few times.
My mom prayed and endured. In my early years I began to rebel,
experimenting with drugs, sex, alcohol, and even the occult. When I
turned 18 I moved in with a family member and took some different
jobs. I was getting restless with doing things my own way and not
finding peace or happiness. I felt that God would not have anything
to do with me because of my poor decisions. I prayed and felt God
say, 'Give me your life.' I prayed to God and told Him, 'You can have
my life, but it is a pile of junk.' Soon after that I worked for a
Christian boss who showed me constant encouragement, so I went to a Bible School
and graduated. I went on to take some courses in the medical
after that, I met my husband at church. He was handsome and swept me
off my feet. After a few months he asked me to marry him. I
told him of my past and he said he had no problem with my past. He
began pressuring me to sleep with him, convincing me that I had slept with others,
and he was going to marry me. I gave in against my better
judgment. After sleeping with him, he began to pull away and did not
want to marry me. Even at the alter, I was not sure he was going to
show up. My father advised me to let him go. I should have
listened to my Father in Heaven, and my father here on earth. My new
husband was always concerned about money. Money was always a source
of conflict. At first I reasoned it was good to save. He inherited enough
money to purchase a small house. I did everything he wanted to keep
the peace. We then had our first child. I was very
tired. There was a great deal of arguing and then the verbal abuse
became physical. He began staying out all night and then confessed his
adultery. The violence continued. I took my child to my
parents. I knew the violence was not right, pulling my hair, shoving
me down, hitting me in the face, but I excused it. Well-meaning
friends were the ones that convinced me to return to my husband. I
even heard a sermon stating how one woman was beaten regularly by her husband
and kept witnessing to him, and how after he killed her, he became a
Christian. The sermon was that God honored her giving her life by
saving his soul. It sounded noble and heroic, but this is a lie from
the deceiver. Our salvation comes through accepting Jesus as our
Savior, not having to die. That is what they teach in the Muslim
lands, that you have to die violently to go to
paradise. Women should seek justice and protection for
themselves and for their children.
with my husband to return home. He moved in with his
family. One time, during the visitation, he took our son with his
girlfriend and I absolutely panicked that he would not return my son.
About a year later he moved back 'temporarily' with us. He never left
again. Two dear pastor friends encouraged me to seek a divorce, but I
was sure my troubles were a result of my sinful youth and justly
deserved. He never repented of his adultery. There was a
small window of time that I thought things would improve and we could live
happily ever after. Life was generally peaceful as long as I did
everything he wanted, his way. I then became pregnant with a second
child. I stayed home, hoping this would make my husband
happy. But nothing would really make him happy. He tried to
isolate me from my family and friends, and eventually the pressure became too
much and I cut most of my ties with these important and valuable family members
and friends. Now my entire life revolved around my husband, children
and home. I had to go from church to church because he would find
fault with all of them, though he would not attend, saying they were full of
hypocrisy, and he would worship God at home. When it was time for our
third child, he kept telling me that he would take time off
of work and we could move to a larger home and enjoy the fruits of our
labor. We now had enough money saved to live a good life.
My husband began to work at home, but did not help out except with
the school work for the children. Our rocky life continued,
but we never moved to a larger home because I finally realized it was
a power and control issue. My husband treated our oldest
child badly, always demeaning our child.
husband convinced his parents to purchase an Internet contract for our
home, while we could have certainly afforded it. Finally, I
realized that my husband was addicted to online pornography. He
eventually reached out to study the Bible with others. While it is a
long story, there were other issues. Over the next several years,
my life became a nightmare. My husband had several
breakdowns. Over these years there were late night interrogations
about my past, he began making us wash when we came home, accusing us of carrying
germs. It continued to worsen because everything was
contaminated. It was easier just to stay home. Our eldest
child began to refuse this cleansing ceremony, and strangely that was fine with
my husband, because my husband reasoned he was not close to our eldest
child. My husband began to burn our furniture because it
was contaminated by my family or others. He even washed our camera
because he had taken a photograph that had a past friend of mine in the
picture. The camera was now contaminated. He reached out to
therapists, doctors, but he called so much, they would not meet with
him. He refused to come into their office and wanted all therapy to
be completed over the phone. If I did not get up in the middle of the
night to do what he wanted, he would break dishes, turn over tables, and throw
things. If I would not give in, he would make the children get up in
the middle of the night and pray telling them I did not care. I tried
everything but could not help him. We had plenty of money but
everything had to be purchased second-hand.
know that others have suffered through worse. I did not want my life
spent on serving one who would never love me. I began to question God
and all the good rules I had learned. Why did He not help me when I
was doing my best to obey Him? Could God be speaking through the
therapist who threatened to have my children taken away if I did not provide a
peaceful home? I always knew my children deserved a peaceful home and
I did my best, but my husband's behavior was out of my control. Where
was God when my husband held me down with his hand over my mouth almost
suffocating me? I felt my husband's strength and I was afraid of
death. Did God hear my unspoken prayer for life that turned the next
minute to a cry for death. 'Oh Lord, if I could just be a better wife,
things would not be so bad. I will try harder. I will be
better. God please take my life and send someone better, someone who
could make my husband happy, who would be a better protector of my
children. Please take me home with you.'
night coming home, after accompanying my eldest child to receive an
award, I began to pray. My eldest child deserves a parent to honor
him - doesn't he God? I have done nothing for this child in the past
few years, as every attempt to love him is viewed as a betrayal to my
husband. If I care, my child's father will hate
this child, so I must distance myself. But not this day, this day I
will honor my child. We finally arrived home, and we were locked out
again. I looked through the door and saw my middle child embracing
the youngest, who was asleep. 'God bless my child, for taking care of
the baby.' I called my husband from a friend's home and pleaded with
him to let me return home, and pleaded for forgiveness in leaving him for this
event. In my heart, I will never leave my children home alone with their
father again. I have failed again. He finally let us return
home, but keeps me up all night. I used to want to sleep next to him,
but now I am glad to sleep on the floor near my children. I am glad
to get away from him. Each day I ask, 'What will the day
bring? Will it be a peaceful day? Will it be a frightening
day?' We now have enough money to retire, but my husband resents me
everyday in sharing 'his hard earned money.' I start to question, 'Is
he acting this way to get rid of me? Why does he believe that someone
would stay with him day in and day out while he acts and reacts to everything
in a frightening and abusive manner?' I continue to pray, 'please
make him love me God, but most importantly, take care of my children, they are
Your children. Show me what You want, make me do what is right.'
Another spring day, new hope. Perhaps
life will get better. I sit on a bench watching children play at
school. I look at others and feel alone. Moms together
talking about candle parties and children. Money spent on useless
things. What would that feel like? I have enough food and
clothing, but wouldn't it be nice, at least once, to have a nice birthday party
for my children? Things do not make us happy, it is the love of
family. We actually have more money than many of these people put together,
but I am not allowed to spend any of this money. We ride home on our
bikes to save gas, and that keeps him happy. We arrived home and the
door was locked again. My child said, "Oh no, he has locked the
door again." He found out I was looking for a job and an
apartment. He is furious with me, threatening me. I am
packing up, trying to grab everything while he is sleeping. He wakes
up and is pleading with me not to leave. He screams, "It is not
God's will!" I tell him that it is not God's will for our
children to live like this. He makes the children come in and pray, and
continues to scream, "We are under attack, we are doing God's will and
Satan hates it." I inform him that if I don't leave, the state
will come in and take our children. He leaves with the children and I
am about to call the police for the fourth time. The police have
always been good to me. They gave me papers to call the Victim
Resource Center. The police ask if I am safe and I always
lie and say yes, I am safe and he hasn't hurt me. I just want him to
get help. The police come again and my husband calls. They
track his call and go and pick him up. My husband's behavior is
erratic and they take him to the hospital. I call the hospital to
find out when he will be released so we can be gone from our home.
The hospital will not release the information so I become angry and tell them
that I need to know so I can move out before he returns. The next day
I went to the Victim Resource Center to request a restraining order.
I was pretty hysterical. I did not want to do this, but I knew I had
to protect myself and my children. They helped me understand and encouraged me
to make decisions to keep my family safe. I wish there was a clear
cut line between abuse and bad behavior, and a line between sanity and
insanity. I think the line is not on the outside somewhere, but down
on the heart. I do not know the answer to this, but I do know that
God hears our prayers and wants to help us. 'I will lift up my eye unto the
hills. Where does my help come from? It comes from God,
maker of heaven and earth.' I am now in my own home with my children,
away from fear and abuse. My children struggle with the separation,
but I know that when they are older, they will understand that I made a
decision to end the abuse, and provide them with a safe future, away
from abuse. They will understand that they can come home to peace and
unconditional love. Reach out to the Victim Resource Center, they
will help you on this journey. But most importantly, reach out to our
Lord. He is always with you."
Una Misiva de una Sobreviviente
"Cuando conocí al papa de mis dos niños el
sabia que yo tenia una niña. El me acepto así y al principio me dijo
que la querrá igual que a sus propios hijos. Pero al pasar el
tiempo no fue así. A los dos años de vivir juntos nació mi segundo
hijo. Fue un poco después del nacer que yo decidí traer a mi hija de
mi país de origen para que viniera a vivir con nosotros. Cuando
llegamos para reunirnos con mi pareja la situación cambio por
completo. Todo lo que me hija hacia o decía le pareció mal a
el. Mi pareja me quejaba casi constantemente que yo le daba más
atención a mi hija que a el y nuestro hijo.
Un día el estaba tomado y golpeo a mi hija
enfrente de mi. En ese momento sentí tanta impotencia por no
ser hombre y en ese momento darle unos golpes bien dados. Como era un
imposible, lo que si hice fue llamar al numero 911. Fue la primera vez
que tuve valor para llamar al 911 porque en otras ocasiones me había golpeado y
nunca llame al 911 por el miedo que tenia. El miedo que
sentí venia de no poder hablar el idioma, de no ser legal en este país y por
otras situaciones también. A los 5 minutos de haber llamado la
policía, llego y después de unas preguntas lo arrestaron a el.
me quede sola con mi hija y con mi niño y estaba embarazada de nuevo y por si
fuera poco, también estaba sin trabajo con la venta que se debía y sin
dinero. Fue como un “shock” tremendo para mí. Después
empecé a investigar teléfonos de ayuda para victimas de violencia
domestica y por fin encontré un centro por mi área. Gracias a Dios me
han ayudado muchísimo. Pasaron unos meses y nació mi segundo niño y
ahora somos cuatros, mis dos niños, mi hija y yo. Me he acercado más a
las cosas de Dios y me siento con Su ayuda divina y Sus bendiciones que estoy
superando mi experiencia fea y dolorosa.
Si tú eres una victima maltratada no tengas miedo
de pedir ayuda porque no estas sola(o) nadie debe aguantar maltratos físicos,
ni sicológicos. Ayúdate para que puedas ayudar a otras
NO TENGAS MIEDO!"
Una Misiva de una Sobreviviente
"Cuando me case yo estaba convencida que había
encontrado el hombre con el que iba a formar una familia y vivir el resto de mi
vida con el. Las primeras semanas éramos muy felices. Trabajábamos
juntos en el campo también íbamos juntos de compras, todo prácticamente lo que
hacíamos, lo hicimos juntos.
Alrededor de un mes y medio de toda esta felicidad, mi pareja comenzó a
hablarme con malas palabras. Paso más tiempo y su trato conmigo fue
empeorando, el comenzó a darme empujones, patadas y cada vez los golpes eran
mas frecuentes, tres o cuatro veces por semana. El decía que yo tenia
la culpa de que el me pegaba. Unos meses después quede embarazada y aun el
sabiendo mi estado, el siguió maltratándome, golpeándome. Unas veces
me golpeo con los puños y otras veces con la extensión eléctrica.
Cuando nació nuestro hijo el me prometió que iba a cambiar pero solo una semana
después volvió a golpearme. A veces llegaba del
trabajo borracho, en ese estado se molestaba más todavía y entonces
comenzaba de nuevo golpearme cuando el niño lloraba. Yo quería ir me
de la casa pero no tenia donde ir y a pesar de que me trataba muy mal
yo lo quería mucho.
Cuando el bebe tenia ocho meses, empezó a crecerme el estomago y el me pregunto
que si estaba embarazada. Yo no estaba segura, el me dijo que ya no
quería mas hijos y también me dijo que si estabas embarazada otra vez, el bebe
no era su hijo.
Yo le decía que si, que si de pronto estaba embarazada
de nuevo el era el padre del bebe.
Alrededor de dos semanas después el estaba muy tomado, borracho y nuestro hijo
comenzó a llorar. El se molesto mucho y comenzó a golpearme en el
estomago y también en las piernas con la extensión eléctrica. Yo sentí
que el me había lastimado el estomago y cuando el salio para afuera de la casa,
tome a mi hijo en los brazos y me salí por una ventana. Llegue a casa
se los vecinos y le dije que llamara la policía. El patrón de la finca
me llevo a su casa, me quede dos días en su casa cuando empecé a
Una amiga, trabajadora de la clínica donde me atendía,
me vino a buscar para llevarme al hospital. En el hospital me dijeron
que el bebe no estaba bien y que quizás lo iba a perder. Me llevaron
por helicóptero a otro hospital más grande, estuve 5 días en ese hospital y el
ultimo día perdí a mi bebe. Al otro día me dijeron que a mi esposo lo
había arrestado. Cuando salí del hospital me fui a un albergue. Allí
me acerque a
Dios y también a una iglesia. Ahí encontré la paz, el amor que por
mucho tiempo no tuve.
Ahora, gracias a Dios, estoy más tranquila y feliz con mi hijo. Me han
ayudado mucho las trabajadoras del Centro de Recursos para las Victimas,
incluso desde el primer día que me conocieron me trataron con respeto y me
hicieron sentir segura. Me dieron mucho apoyo y amor algo que nunca me
voy a olvidar y estoy muy agradecida.
Los pastores y hermanos de la iglesia también sido y
sigan haciendo un gran ayuda y apoyo para mi y mi bebe.
Ahora pude regresar a trabajar y tener mi propio apartamento. Al final
de todo me dado cuenta de que nadie tiene derecho de ponerle una mano encima de
otro ser humano. Todas nos merecemos a tener un trato digno de respeto
y amor. Por mi hijo soporte tanto daño porque yo quería que el
creciera teniendo su padre cerca. Yo quiero decirle
a todas las personas que están pasando por algo similar que lo denuncien, que
todos tenemos derecho a la felicidad en un lugar seguro y lleno de
"I was born in a small rural town. My mother
became pregnant with me when she was 15 years old, and had
to marry my father. My father beat her regularly when drinking, and I
am now sure that he would get drunk, just to have an excuse to beat my
mother. By the age of 18 my mother was divorced with two
children. We lived with my grandmother until I was six, and then my
mother remarried. The happiest years of my life were from the ages of
6-11, but when I started to develop into a woman at the age of 12, my
stepfather started molesting me, with him physically and sexually abusing
me. I thought it was my fault and never told my mother or anyone
else. I thought it was a dirty secret and I was being punished because of the
situation of my birth. I had always felt like a dirty little secret
because of my birth, and now the dirty little secret continued with the abuse
by my stepfather.
had abusive relationships after abusive relationships, but I always thought
this was normal. One day, as a young adult, I was in a terrible car
accident. My boyfriend who was in the car with me, died in the
accident. All I could remember is that he abused me too, and I wasn't
happy and remember I was trying to make a plan to leave him. The
emergency workers had to cut me out of the car, and what is so devastating to
me is that a child died in the other car. I was in a wheelchair and
the road to recovery will be long.
contacted the Victim Resource Center and the domestic violence counselor came
to my home. She has helped me and been by my side for many
months. She counseled me and educated me about my emotions and
feelings around the sexual and physical abuse as a child. She has
given me the tools I need to make a better life for myself. I had
many injuries on the outside but my wounds on the inside will take much longer
to heal. I hope my story will help victims reach out to the Victim
Resource Center for help. I hope and pray that women have the courage
to say 'enough is enough' for their lives and the lives of their
children. Sexual abuse and domestic violence won't stop until we all
speak out and say 'enough is enough!' I pray that everyone reading
this will have enough courage to reach out to the Victim Resource Center, and I
pray for your safety and the safety of your children."
"When I got together with my partner I was convinced that I had found the
man that I would live the rest of my life with, the man that would father my
Initially we were very happy. We would work together side by side on
the farm, we would go together to shop, practically everything we did, we did
it together. About six to eight weeks into our relationship of
bliss my mate started speaking to me with offensive words. After some
time passed, his treatment towards me got worse, he started shoving me, kicking
me, with more and more frequency. This would happen two or three times
a week. He always said it was my fault that he hit
A few months later I was pregnant and even though he
knew my state, he continued mistreating and hitting me. Sometimes he
would hit me with his fists other times he would hit me with an electrical
cord. When our son was born he promised me that he would change but
after only one week passed he beat me again. Sometimes he would come
home from work drunk. When he was in that state, the slightest thing
bothered him even more. He would beat me when the baby cried. I wanted
to leave him but I didn’t have anywhere to go and though he treated me
terribly, I did love him.
When our son was eight months old, my abdomen was
growing, my mate asked me if I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure; he said he
didn’t want anymore children. He also said that if I was pregnant it
wasn’t from him. I told him if in fact I was pregnant again, he
certainly was the father.
About two weeks after that incident we were in our
home and he was very drunk, our son had started to cry. He became very
angry and began hitting me in the stomach; he also whipped the back of my legs
with the electrical cord. I felt as if he did irreparable damage to my
abdomen. When he stopped and went outside, I picked up our son and
crawled out of the bedroom window. I went to the neighbor’s
home and asked them to call the police. The owner of the farm brought
me to his house to stay. I was there two days when I began to
bleed. I was taken to the nearest hospital. At the hospital I
was told that the baby was in crisis and it was quite possible that I could
lose the baby. I was taken by helicopter to another larger
hospital. I stayed in the hospital for five days and on the last day,
an hour after I delivered my baby, she died.
I was told that shortly after I had left my
home, my mate was arrested.
When I left
the hospital, I went to the Victim Resource Center, that provided me
shelter with my infant son. While I was there I got closer to God and
to a church. I found the peace and the love that I hadn’t felt in such
a long time. The VRC provided safe shelter, food, clothing, planned my baby’s
funeral, accompanied me to all my medical appointments, helped me find a place
to live, and continues to counsel and support me.
Now, thanks to God I am tranquil and happy with my
son. The workers from the Victim Resource Center helped me immensely,
since the very day they met me, from that first day I was treated with respect
and they made me feel secure. They gave me a lot of support and love,
something that I will never forget, and always be grateful for. The
pastors and elders of my church also have been and continue to be a great help
and source of support for me and my child. Finally I was
able to return to work and to have my own
After all of this I realized that no one has the right
to put their hands on another human being. We all deserve to be
treated with dignity, respect and love. For my son’s sake I bore much
suffering because I wanted him to be raised with his
I want to say to all the people that are going through
some similar type of abuse, to denounce that person. We have the right
to happiness, security and peace."
"Ten years ago, when I met my husband, I was a strong, happy, young single
mother. I was working full-time and getting ready to start
college. I even had a few thousand dollars in my savings.
He slowly took away all of that strength and ambition.
It started as criticism and verbal abuse. He told me that at a size one I was
fat. When I was carrying our first child, he criticized me every time
I ate a meal or snack. He learned I was abused as a child, and would
tell me I liked the abuse, and wanted it and missed it,
and worse. If I tried to be romantic, he would say he didn't
want a wife who acted like a whore. Everything was his way and his
way alone. He took all my paychecks and limited my work to part-time
and only places where he or his family worked.
The physical abuse
started right after we were married. In addition to being called
every vile name, he began pushing me into walls and furniture, spitting in my
face, and grabbing me by the hair. This escalated to outright
slapping and punching. I was choked twice until I passed out, and
vomited from the choking twice.
The police came many
times but with no outcome. I was frightened and embarrassed to tell
them what he had done. I tried to leave once but he was able to
secure custody of our children because I had no money or
job. Eventually I went back to protect my children.
This last time I really
thought he would kill me. This time, when he was choking me, I could
feel myself blacking out, and felt like my head would burst. I really
thought I was dying. When I came to, he was gone. He
thought he had killed me and still only cared about himself.
The police officer that
came didn't call the paramedics, didn't take photographs, and asked if I wanted
to press charges and secure an order of protection. My saving grace,
a friend, gave me the number of the Victim Resource Center. I called
and found that this was the kindest group of women I had ever met. Even
with a gross lack of funding, they worked endlessly to help me and my children
I was able to stay at
the VRC shelter. We finally had a safe and peaceful place to
live. The VRC staff supported me in my search for housing and
employment. They helped and supported me to get the legal process
started for custody of my children, and the referral I needed for a
I am forever grateful
to the VRC staff. What I am most grateful for though, is the
emotional support. No matter how busy, I was treated with respect and
kindness. No one judged me. There was always someone to
listen. They tell me it's part of the job but other people are paid
to be resources and advocates at their jobs, but I have never received this
support from any other agency. The staff at the VRC cares
for me and my children and they show empathy and love because they are an
exceptional group of women.
Because of the VRC
staff, we are moving into a beautiful apartment, I am starting a new job, and
fighting for custody of my children. I am slowly but surely becoming
the strong, happy woman I once was.
If you are being abused
in any way, I urge you to call the VRC. You will find support, and
caring people who will provide you with options to change your life and the
lives of your children. They will also instill the importance of
empowering you to make the changes and take control of your life. My
hope in telling my story is not just to inspire other victims of domestic
violence, but also to inspire change in our system. The need is
desperate. I urge those with power to create change, to act now and
act aggressively in providing more financial assistance to the VRC and other
agencies, and additional financial support to families leaving domestic
violence. There is a gross lack of funding, with what few resources
are available are being reduced annually. There also needs
to be changes in the laws to protect families and punish abusers.
While I appreciated the assistance from the local Department of Social
Services, there is no doubt that the VRC staff are better at determining the
needs of victims and their families. With the current system
in place, a mother and her children must apply for welfare. If the
VRC and agencies like the VRC had the funding to establish these families, with
the support systems in place, initially, I believe there would be a significant
reduction in those families returning to domestic violence homes, and an
increase in the success rate for families to remain free from these domestic
violence homes with a greater success at beginning a new life. The
majority of women would not return to their abusers if they could adequately
and proudly provide for their families. Bring the resources to them
so that they do not have to continue to come through the welfare system over
and over. We need those in power to help stop the cycle of
Another concern is our
legal system. In my case, my husband was charged with harassment in
the 2nd in 2005. He had threatened to spit on me and slap me in front
of our children. One of the choking incidents happened in front of
our children. He paid a fine to the court. That money went
to the town, not to the victim or an agency like the VRC. I believe
that all fines for domestic violence should go to agencies like the VRC to help
victims, or to the victim directly. Now in 2009 he faces the same
charges for choking me! The same charge! There are still
scars on my neck from his finger nails digging into my skin, until I passed
out. The ADA believes he will pay another fine which will go to the
court, not to the victim or the VRC to help other victims. When we
went to file the custody paperwork, we attached years of police reports, and
the court would not accept them because they were too old. Doesn't
this show a pattern of ongoing abuse in the home that also affects the
children? This pattern of abuse should be recognized and a slap on the
wrist does not deter him from doing it again. There would be stronger
penalties if he did this to a dog or a stranger! Women are punished
for having relationships, and believing in family. He continues to
receive minimal punishment and continues to stalk, and abuse women. I
would at least like the laws to change to a more severe penalty if these
abusers hurt their wives or girlfriends, and the mothers of their
children. There should be added distinctions for crimes instead of
harassment in the 2nd.
I am asking our
legislators to be our heroes and be the ones to take a stand and make a
difference. Help empower victims. Help secure fair
punishment for the abusers. You will save time and money.
Our county spends so much money on housing criminals, and our state on building
projects to house animals or building facilities for seniors
to play cards. Yet there is no funding for building new domestic
violence shelters, or purchasing these shelters. We need our
legislators and everyone in power to be our heroes! I know that the
VRC is starting a campaign for men to become involved in deterring domestic
violence and helping the victims, because I am now volunteering at the
VRC. The campaign is called, 'Are you a member of the
Silent Majority?' It is a
good campaign because most men are not abusers or sexual predators.
Most men are good men, and this includes many of our legislators. My
question to them, 'Are you a member of the Silent
Majority?' 'Will you help to make these changes for the
victims and their children?' 'What will you do to end domestic and
"I married my husband in Mexico in 1999. His violent
behavior towards me started that very day. I was menstruating, and
told my husband we would have to hold off having relations. Isaac
wasn’t having that, he forced himself on me, saying we are married now and you
are mine, my property. He stated that he wanted to “get me any where
he could.” I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want to have sex but he
hit me repeatedly and said if he couldn’t have sex vaginally he would get me
from the back. He continued to beat on me while he forced his penis
into my rectum. For the next nine years I endured this type of
treatment. His violence towards me included physical beatings,
unwanted painful sex forced on me including sodomy and oral sex. I was forced
to watch pornographic movies to “learn how it’s done”. Humiliation,
degradation and verbal obscenities were an everyday occurrence. He would point
to the women in the porn films and say “look at those bodies, that’s the kind
of woman I craving for. I don’t know why I married you”. He would drag
me by my hair around the house saying I was nothing but a lazy fat girl, good
for nothing, an idiot, he said that I didn’t know how to please a man, he would
have to go to prostitutes to have it done right. One day he was so
angry he actually kicked me in the vagina. He hit me frequently and
did whatever he wanted me to do with me; I was only 16 and a half. He
said that the woman was good only for bearing children and taking care of them
and had to do what their man said. I never told anyone what was going
on for fear that he would retaliate in some way. He always threatened
me that if I told anyone he would cause more harm to me and to my
family. I had no one to turn to that could help
me in my situation. I didn’t have options to choose from. I had no support to
speak of, in my country it doesn’t matter whether your marriage bad, you are
told to stay and work things out, no matter the cost. This was my
mother’s continual advice, she would say that she endured great hardship with
my father, so why couldn’t I. She didn’t want our
family to be without a father, why should it be any different for
me. Since I was a little girl my mother had treated me very
poorly. She made me feel that because I was born a female I had no
value, I was worthless. My mother would say to me that women reek, that
what we carry “stinks” and that men are different. My mother displayed
more love for my brothers because they were males then she did for me, a
female. To her a woman was filthy, revolting, disgusting - to be
loathed. I heard that so many times that it became a part of me, how I
felt about myself.
After we were married we resided with my grandparents. My
grandparents would give us food, and they also provided a room for
us. My husband would abandon me days on end, to go and drink;
sometimes he would look for work, other times he didn’t bother. He was
a constant threat to my grandparents because he often threatened them with
physical harm, or would shove them especially when they tried to intervene for
me. My grandfather was sick with diabetes and was frail; my marital
problems with Isaac and Isaac’s threats were too taxing for him and affected
his health, eventually the stress took a greater toll on his health and my
grandpa died. I did not want bring harm to my grandparents; I didn’t
know where else to go, outside help didn’t exist for me. Even
so, Isaac’s abuse took its toll and it wasn’t too long after that that my
grandpa died. When Isaac did work, he never left me any money; his pay
went for his vices, having fun in the bars, drinking with women, buying his
beer and cigarettes. At times when he didn’t have his own money he
would take money away from me to go drink, sometimes he would use drugs and
that is when he would hit me the most.
I became pregnant with
my first child two months into my marriage. My husband said the baby I
was expecting wasn’t his and who knew where it came from, Isaac said “what man
left his curdled sperm in you?” Just a few days before my son was
born, my husband beat me relentlessly. That day I summoned the courage
to file a lawsuit against him, I had witnesses and affidavits to testify on my
behalf, only to be told by the judge to return to my husband. The judge said I
had to be with him because he was my husband and I would have to put up with
him, he knew what he was doing. That day my husband asked me to
forgive him and that he would never again lay a hand on me. The judge
encouraged me to give him an opportunity, so I did. Before we got home
he started with me, calling me profanities, “you stupid bitch, there you go
opening your big mouth, gossiping.” My husband said “the next time you
want to go bearing tales; you won’t live to tell them.” He went on to
say “I already told you I am like this and I am not going to change and if you
want to you can go screw yourself, you son of a
My son was born in 2000.
Two weeks after he was born my husband went out to get drunk
again. When he returned home he beat me, I became very sick from that
incident and close to losing my life. Once again he asked me
to forgive him, this time I told him that I wanted to leave him, my
grandmother supported my decision but they were too poor to help support me and
my son. My parents did not support me in my decision, they protested,
they complained that it would not look right for me to leave my
husband. Fortunately for me, something unexpected happened in August
of 2000, the authorities put my husband in jail; I was told that he had done
something disrespectful to another woman, and he had to do jail
time. I never found out the exact details of what happened but the
break from his abuse was a welcomed relief.
In 2001 I
started selling chicken, tamales and buñuelos in the streets to be able to
support myself and my son. I also did laundry and ironed clothing to
make a little money. We couldn’t rely on Isaac; his money went for his
In October of 2003 my
husband came to the United States, and he left me behind with his mother.
I lived in her house with our son, for seven months when my husband
pleaded for us to join him in the U.S. We entered the United States
without inspection in 2004. I had hoped that we would have a better
life in the U.S., my husband had been going to church, and said that with
pastoral guidance he had turned his life around. Shortly after I
arrived in the states, I found out that it wasn’t so. It wasn’t long
before he had hit me; forced acts of sex on me that I abhorred, his old habits
were in full swing, abusing me and my son, and continued his drinking, drugging
In 2008, I was pregnant
again but had made the decision to leave my husband, once and for
all. We had separated soon after that.
My husband was threatening me with; if I didn’t go back with him he
would report me to Immigration so they could put me in jail. He never
wanted me to have any friends. When I spoke to a friend he said it was
because he was my lover, if it was a girlfriend I was speaking with, it was
because she knew my secret of whoring around.
In 2008, I was
sleeping in bed when there was a very loud knock on the door. It was
around 12 am. My husband called me on the cell phone and told me to
open the door; he said “I want to catch you in the act you bitch”. I
told him that we had already split up, he had no business being there and that
and I didn’t want him to come looking for me, or to come and bother me for any
reason. He said if I didn’t open the door he would call immigration on
me, he was banging on the door very hard. I had already been picked up
by Immigration and had an upcoming court date. I finally went and
opened the door; he barged in and immediately snatched the cell phone from my
hand. I pulled it away from him but he pushed me and he hit me in the
stomach, many times and very hard. Almost immediately I began having
contractions and vaginal bleeding. It was a few days later when I
went to the hospital; I was told by the doctor that my baby had
died. They would have to remove the baby from my uterus; I was 8 weeks
along in my pregnancy. From that moment on I was like a crazy person
and I wanted to die. I felt terrible for the death of my baby
son. I came to hate my husband even more then I ever had
Two weeks after losing my
baby, I started working again. My husband would come for the children
in a drunken state and he would take them in that condition, I was not able to
stop him. He would hit the children frequently; he hit my older son
with a belt on various occasions. One day he left him black and blue
and sent him to school; they took notice at my son’s school, and another report
was filed, the department of Social Services became
involved. We both were under their supervision; I never
spoke up out of fear from my husband’s continual threats of
retaliation. He continually threatened to call Immigration on me if I
dared speak up against him, “what will you do then?” he would
say. “They will put you in jail and take your children away from you.”
He would also threaten me with Immigration to coerce me into having
sexual relation with him, nothing was sacred. I remained
separated from him. There were other similar instances of the same nature,
abusing the children, followed by subsequent charges and report to Child
In October around 6 am, my husband came to the house, he tried opening the door
by force and managed to do it and come in the house, and then he
left. Shortly after that, he started knocking on the windows saying he
was going to kill me and my lover; he always accused me of having one, since I
wouldn’t go back to him. He said he wanted to kill me that day; he had
a knife on him and also a gun. He showed the gun to our oldest son,
and motioned to him that he was going to hurt me with it. He started
physically fighting with me, wanting me to leave with him, and he said to me,
“do you want to see, you son of a bitch, if I really call
immigration?” The police were called and arrived quickly,
but he had already left the house. I showed my bruises to the police,
they were on my arms and legs. The police were still at my house;
writing their report of what occurred to me and the children, when he called
me, the officer wanted to speak to my husband, I handed him the
phone. The police officer told my husband they wanted to see
him. When he returned, the police officers met with him on the patio
and told me and my children to remain inside of the house. Since he
had come to the house with a knife and a gun, they did not want to take any
chances with our safety. After a while, the police arrested
him and took him away. The policemen said not to worry him and that he
wouldn’t be bothering me again. I explained my legal
situation to the police; they gave me information as to who I could call to
help with my dilemma. Because I was now safe from my husband’s abuse,
I could finally open up and tell the worker from Child Protective Services what
had been going on in my home, and with my children. I told them that
he had been the one beating us, abusing us, taking the children by force in his
car when he was not in condition to drive. I told them that he had
gone to jail at last because he had forced his way in my house, he had beat me
in front of the children and he had come there with a gun making threats to
kill me. He showed the gun to my son and signaled to my son that he
was going to hurt me with it, and he would be deported very soon. All
the charges against me were dropped, the case was
After all of that turmoil I went to see a doctor, all those years of being hurt
and threatened had taken a toll, leaving me feeling very frightened, frustrated
and nervous. There were times I didn’t want to go on
living. I saw a doctor; he was the doctor from a local
clinic. I told the doctor the things that I had been through and he
prescribed certain medications that could help me. Since I began
taking this medication I feel much better. Taking the medication and meeting
with my counselor help manage the depression I have. My children tell
me and I can see that they are happy now; things are going better for them in
I am afraid to return to my country, my children and I will be in
danger. I fear my husband, and returning to my country will put me and
the children in great physical danger again. The laws in my country do
not protect women and children living in abuse as they do here, in the United
States. What would become of me and my children if these laws and
services were not available to victims of crimes here in New York State? I appreciate
all that is being done on my behalf and that of my children’s to help and
protect us. I wish to give special thanks to my attorney, Denise, from
Victim Resource Center and also to Alina from Farmworker Legal Services of New
York, and Cynthia from the Victim Resource Center. Without their
assistance, I would not have come this far. God protect you
and bless you all. I am praying that my situation can be resolved and
that the children and I can find rest from violence and torment, and that we
can live in peace here in the United States. I know if I have to return to
Mexico with my children, my husband and their father will be able to hurt us
even more; I will be at risk of losing my life. The police and laws in
Mexico don’t offer the same protection as they do here. I greatly
appreciate the help for from the Victim Resource Center and Farmworker Legal
Services, and the police - they have saved our
"I lived in abusive relationship for almost 20
years. It was mostly emotional abuse with about a dozen physical
events. After the first one occurs, when things are about to
escalate, you begin to back-peddle to prevent an injury. I
always hated being someone I wasn't, to prevent him from getting angry at
me. I am an intelligent, strong woman with strong opinions, but that
was not what he wanted. We have two wonderful children together and I
thought I had a pretty nice life. I didn't work for 15
years. So I was able to be a stay-at-home mom and we had nice
things. I finally realized that you should leave when you have more
fear living with him than of living without him. It actually took me
20 years to realize these truths. To someone not in an abusive
relationship - you cannot believe what freedom is until you
no longer have it. Living in an abusive relationship can
literally cloud your brain over, so that you begin to believe what you are told
that "there is no way for you to leave." I secured
a good job and my children were now teens. My husband was
back and forth to his girlfriends' house, paying for her
divorce because she was in an "abusive
relationship!" There were threats of killing
me and they would never find my bones. My teens wanted to
stay in the home, because he was not abusive to them. I am
hoping they will move in with me now that I have found a safe place to
live. He even told me that if I took the kids with me, I had better
take my dogs or he would take them in the back and shoot them one at a
time. He said that if I left, he would "have one-hell
of a bonfire out back!" I began to realize that if I did not
leave, I would not survive. There are so many other things,
so many other times, but I do not want to dwell on this
any longer. I was to be free from
I always felt that domestic violence programs were
for the severely battered women, but the point is to leave before this
happens. The Victim Resource Center staff treated me as though I was
important. They accepted and helped me as they did the other
women I lived with briefly at the shelter. I had a wonderful advocate
who never made me feel like my case wasn't her most important case.
If you are fearful, call the Victim Resource Center or the domestic violence
agency in you community. There are people who will listen, care for
you, and guide you through the next steps to leave domestic violence.
You are not alone."
"I started dating my boyfriend about
10 years ago. At first, everything was going great. He was
sweet, and adored and did things for my young daughter, so I thought I had
found the man of my dreams. Little did I know he was with two other
girls besides me. At first, he would call me a name now and
then. Then it went to the money. I started working and he
decided how all the money was spent. At first, I thought nothing of
it. I just thought he wanted to take care of things. Then
he began controlling what I could and could not buy. Then, I just
received an allowance, about $20 per week and I had to account for how I spent
the $20. This $20 was suppose to be for food and clothing for my
daughter and myself. Eventually his controlling me became much
worse. He took my makeup away. If I did put on makeup, I
was accused of cheating, or he called me a slut and I had to scrub the makeup off
my face until he was satisfied. I only put on makeup when he said I
could wear it. He then told me that I could not wear shorts, skirts,
dresses or tank tops, and no low-cut shirts or tight-fitting clothing.
I had to have a cell phone with me at all times. If he thought I was
taking too long at the store, he would call me, and I had to be home in 20
minutes, no matter where I was. I was not allowed to talk to anyone,
and if he caught me, he had to know everything about this person and needed to
know everything about our conversation. He continued to cheat on me for three
years, and one time I confronted him, and that is the first time he hit
me. He was in bed and one of his friend's found out and she called me
on the phone. I remember he took the phone out of my hand, threw it
across the room, and punched me in the stomach so hard, the computer chair I
was sitting in fell backwards. I ran and locked myself in the
bathroom. I was frightened because he had never hit me
before. After this incident, he was so sorry, and he begged me for
forgiveness and promised to never do it again. About a month later
the name-calling began again. I then told him that I was going to
leave, and he picked me off the couch by my arms and threw me across the
room. I broke my arm and had a large bump on my head. I
went to the hospital, and told the staff that I had tripped over a child
gate. Again, he begged me to forgive him and promised not to do it
again. Months went by, and while he did not hit me, the
names continued, and the
controlling escalated. So, I finally
decided to leave, no matter what. So I told him.
I ended up with a broken finger, my front teeth broken, and bruises
all over my body.
We were apart for about a year, and he continued to beg me to return
and that he would change, and it would be much better this time.
So...I went back. Everything was so good for the first
month. I really thought he had changed, until the first time he was
mad at me, and he slammed me up against a wall. I ended up with a
concussion. I told the ER staff that I fell and hit my
head. Again he promised that he would never again hit me and begged
my forgiveness. I stayed because I did not have the money to live on
my own with a small child, and a part of me still cared for him. A
short-time later, he was mad at me because I was not carrying the dirty clothes
down the stairs fast enough, so he pushed me down the stairs. This
tore all the tendons in my ankle. That is when I finally decided I
had enough to walk away from him. I told my counselor, who told me
about a Domestic Violence agency in my county. I eventually called
because I was sure something worse would happen. That agency referred
me to the Victim Resource Center for emergency shelter placement.
I am writing 'My Story' just as I am leaving the
VRC Safe Dwelling and have found a new place to live. I would
honestly say that without the staff from Family Counseling referring me to the
VRC, and without the VRC, I know I would have been seriously injured again, or
much worse. My daughter has no one but me, and if something happened
to me at the hands of my abuser, she would have to be placed in Foster
Care. I was in Foster Care as a young child because my father was
very abusive to me and I was taken away from him. I do not
want this to happen to my child. I want to thank the staff from both
agencies. I hope 'My Story' helps other women have the courage to
leave with their children to stay safe."
Six Years in darkness,
With a soul sucking demon of pain
Six Years of demise
Never will be the same
Deceived by fantasy
Led by lies,
Take me by the hand flying, dancing,
Swept off my feet by a demon in disguise
Take me away,
Tear me apart day by day
Mirrored tears in my eyes
Blinded by love
Led by lust
Six years of torment
Losing myself in pain
Six years lying dormant
Violated as my heart was slain
Dragon of deceit
Leaving my soul blackened
Bag at my feet
This will never happen
Thrown into a hole
Picked up by a tornado
Spun out of control
Into a forest with my children, where do we go?
Led by the light of hope
God protect me
Guide me with your scope
Allow me to see
Six years of rope
Pulling, tugging come back
Guardians of Hope
Cut it away, leave the slack
They lift me
Place me on my feet
And help me see
Healing is a necessity
Take one step
Don't look behind
Guardians won't let me trip
Never back into the nightmare rewind
Demon stay away
You will never have me again
Guardians at my side will stay
Never to waste away in pain
Where did it all start? I grew up with a very caring family, with two older brothers, and a sister. We weren’t rich or poor but we had love. My dad worked very hard for our family, so we could have what other kids had, a better childhood. My mom was a stay-at-home mom and my best friend. I was popular in school, and had very good grades. I was excited about entering 7thgrade. I was hoping this time would be some of the best years of my life, but there are bad memories. I gained some extra weight in school, and some of the kids I grew up with began to turn on me.
I had a great relationship with God and He knows I love him and I know He loves me and
I am His child. I was gaining weight, and had no friends. I was very lonely and hated the way I looked and my weight. All the kids made fun of me, and called me fat and ugly, calling me “tank”
and laughed at me. All I did was cry in bed each night. My mom was always there for me to comfort and hold me. She told me she loved me, and I was beautiful and that she would always be my best friend. The emotional abuse of the other kids was nonstop with teasing and harassment. I hated school now, and had horrible grades, and skipped school to avoid the teasing and humiliation.
I now felt that even God did not love me. I thought that everyone would be better off without me. When I was 16 I took over 60 pills my mom had in her room. I wanted nothing to do with this cruel world and the cruel people in this world. My parents came home and rushed me to the hospital. My mom was crying because I didn’t want to be alive anymore. The next two weeks I had to stay in a mental health facility, and eventually had to return to school even thought I dreaded it so much. But nothing had changed or the way I was treated. At 17 I was kicked out of school for a fight. I was suspended for a year even though this was the first time I had ever been in trouble.
I moved out of my parent’s house and got a job doing housekeeping and I lost some of my
weight in 3 ½ months. I then fell in with the wrong crowd. My plans each day were to get drunk and high with everyone else. I was introduced to coke, crack, meth, ecstasy, and alcohol and an
assortment of pills. I hung out with a bunch of drug dealers. They thought I was sexy, and wanted to have a good time. I was now addicted to drugs and the fast life of money. I loved how these drugs made me feel, and how everyone wanted to be in my circle.
I thought I found the love of my life at 19, after only a week. He became very abusive physically, mentally and emotionally. I was not allowed out of his sight and was his prisoner. I did
what I was told 24 hours a day. The only good thing that happened was I became pregnant. I had my baby when I was 20 and it was the happiest day of my life! My boyfriend beat the living hell out of me for my whole pregnancy. I eventually ended this relationship. I felt like I was nothing and so I began drinking and using drugs again. I was working to take care of my son. I met someone who told me I could make good money in New York City stripping. I left my baby with my parents. When I arrived I knew I was in trouble because the place where we were staying, the man was a big-time pimp. He convinced me to work for him and he would make sure I had money for me and my baby. He told me I was beautiful, and I would make lots of money and have the finer things in life.
I had to stay stoned to do the things the pimp wanted me to do. I thought he loved me but why would he have me sleep with all these men for money? I felt dirty, ashamed, disgusted, and angry with myself, but I was fearful to leave and what the consequences would be if I left. I always wondered, “Would this be my last day to live? Was this john going to be a psycho and maybe kill me? My life was so bad and I could not continue unless I was all coked-up. My pimp was abusive and threatened to kill me if I left. I thought my life could not get any worse. But I was wrong. I went to a call and was kidnapped by a horrible man and two of his friends. They took my money, phone and forced me to go with them. I was dragged down the streets of Harlem screaming and no one would help me. I was raped and beaten repeatedly.
God was watching over me, and one went to take a shower and forgot his phone. I called and the FBI traced my phone call and found me. I went to the police station but would never go to court because I was so fearful. I went back to my pimp. I knew it was only a matter of time until I would die. I ran away. I started to strip again to make money for my drug habit. One day I called home, and my mom was deathly sick, and worried about me, so I went back home.
I was worried, “Would I ever be able to forget and put this life behind me?” I was 22 now. My child was now two years old. I took a factory job. But my world was still about me and my drugs. I was arrested for drug possession and went to jail. I continued to sell drugs and I continued to
do drugs. I couldn’t forgive myself for the choices I made. I was depressed. I was on probation and continued to fail my drug tests. I was sent to a rehab facility. I stayed clean for a while but went back to my life. Before I knew it, I was 25. I fell in love again, and was pregnant again. I used up until I was seven months pregnant. I was at my lowest point. I was then arrested for selling drugs. I became clean in jail and actually felt safe. I knew I had to get back to God. There were so many times my life could have ended, but God still let me live, so it must have been for some reason. I signed up for Drug Court two weeks before I delivered my second child. I went to a treatment facility and this is how I got back on my Road to Recovery. I am in counseling now with the Victim Resource Center, and I hope my story will help others. Can you believe this started with bullying?
"Words cannot express the depth of my gratitude for you all assisting me during a difficult time. Thank you for helping me every step of the way. You have all given me the strength to find my voice after so long of not being able to speak my thoughts or opinions. When I first met the VRC staff I was like a frightened animal, afraid of my own shadow. Now I feel like a diamond - strong and brilliant! Thank you for having faith in me when I didn't have faith in myself. Thank you for being my beacon during a stormy and frightening time. You have all allowed me to have a safe journey to shore and given me the power to be able to face the future like it's an old friend. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul, for me and my children. You will all have a special place in my heart forever. I am happy not to say goodbye. I will stop by and see you when I can....with much love."